How to give constructive criticism to the one you love
Dating is a beautiful journey where two mature individuals come together to discover if they are compatible and shape themselves into the better versions for their purpose in marriage(you see, I said for their purpose in marriage because marriage has a part to play in fulfilling God's agenda for marriage) but what happens when you value your partner's feelings over their future?
(p.s. This is my last post on love for February; let us leave romance and read Romans; thanks. I know, not funny, lol)
When you find your person, you get this beautiful feeling; the world pops with vibrancy. The grass is greener, the air is purer, this jolt of electricity runs through you when you are with them, or you think about them, then you say to yourself, ''I don't know how, but I want to be everything right to and for this person'. Then you start dating and begin to see the things you never saw. A wise woman once said love is not the feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you have never felt before. While you adore that person, one thing I have learned is that a successful marriage, more often than not, takes a successful dating relationship. I know you think you are the best gift any man or woman could get from God, but can you, for the duration of this read, drop your opinions of yourself in a box and ask yourself these;
What if I think I am better a lover and supporter than I am?
By whose standard did I ascertain this stand? Is it by mine, my exe(s), God, or all?
One crucial aspect of the dating journey is the willingness to give and receive constructive criticism because if, in dating, you realise what is and is not to be, you also have to work together on what needs to go and what needs to improve. Yes, I am about to quote the world-famous scripture, Amos 3:3'' Can two work together, except they be agreed?
It's easy to say I don't have a problem with being open with my partner, but like I said in the last post, some people have the mental orientation that says, 'if what you want to say to your significant other is uncomfortable, just let it be. If we are students of the word and see that, like our father, Love corrects, then we need to correct and shape our significant others. So, it begs the question,' How do I pass this message without being offensive?
It is essential to see that constructive criticism is absolutely useless in a relationship when both people are not on the same team. Some people in relationships have a defence against criticism or correction because they don’t yet see that relationship as being effective on both sides. You must understand that you are teammates, and that’s why we are usually advised to be in relationships with people who love us as much as we love them, so it is not lopsided. If you both know that the end goal of your relationship is to be married, it helps to orient your mind to see your partner as your team player and not the opposition. I learned that criticism from your significant other in a healthy relationship makes you better because it comes from the place of love. Constructive criticism creates an environment where partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, concerns, and areas for improvement. When you get feedback from your partner, It helps you identify blind spots, places you never noticed or didn't deem necessary. When delivered with love and care, it builds trust between partners. It shows that both individuals are invested in each other's growth and well-being.
While I'm not an expert on relationships, here are a few things that I have found out and learned and things that are helping me;
Please know that when offering constructive criticism, remember to do so with love and grace. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to "speak the truth in love." This means speaking honestly but also with kindness and understanding.
Numero Uno, Focus on the Behavior, Not the Person. It's important to separate the behaviour from the person. Criticise actions, not character. Instead of saying, "You're lazy," try saying, "I noticed you haven't been sticking with our agreement lately. What could be the matter?." Instead of just pointing out a problem, offer possible solutions or suggestions for improvement. Be supportive and willing to work together to find a resolution. For example, say, "I think it would be helpful if we set aside a specific time each week to discuss our goals and concerns. What do you think?" Instead of saying, you never do this, say, 'I would like it if you do this, it'll be ..... then state your why? and when you do not know how to help, you could support the person in finding a solution.
Active listening and communication are things I'm making conscious efforts to do. It's not easy, lol, but the lord is my muscle, especially because Proverbs 18:13 gave me a very sharp knockout. It said, "To answer before listening is folly and shame." So, take the time to truly hear and consider their feedback. When your partner provides constructive criticism, try to listen actively and, without interruption, try to understand their perspective. Avoid becoming defensive or dismissive. I ask the Holy Spirit to remind me that this is an opportunity for growth and understanding. You don't always have to be right. Share how their behaviour or situation makes you feel and what you need from your partner. This helps them understand the impact of their actions and encourages them to make positive changes. For example, say, "When you cancel plans at the last minute, it makes me feel unimportant. I need more consistency and reliability in our relationship." when they talk to you about something, don't make them feel stupid or like they should have kept it away, over time they'll just agree with all you say to protect themselves from the judgement of your words. Eventually, they'll stop contributing or mentally exit. Philippians 2:3 reminds us to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves." Approach the conversation with a desire to build each other up rather than tear each other down.
And finally, if mistakes are made or conflicts arise during constructive criticism, be quick to seek forgiveness and extend grace. Colossians 3:13 reminds us to "bear with each other and forgive one another who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Every post sets us free because God's words are new, even to the writer. I have learned much from today's post, and I hope you have too. God loves you, and I hope you love you, too, because you are worth every bit of love.
If this blessed you, please take a screenshot, post the segment that blessed you and tag me❤
See you at the same time next week❤
